You break my heart nearly every day yet we still go on. Jeremy Kyle on the television, human torture to watch, senses numbed by constant flashing pictures, that is how you keep your mind still, dealing with anxiety that keeps you in chains. So much fear of failure that has broken you up, the alcohol demon once more in control, I see you struggle, struggle and struggle once more. This is my reality every day, week, month, year for four years now. Not able to move forward beyond a certain point, always backward again. The sickness attacks once more, followed by depression that gains control. None can talk what it is to feel, you don’t know yourself yet you follow the prescribed path ever round, round and round we go. Scared to try anything for fear of the demon taking control. Total frustration, pressure and stress is my lot from waking up to sleep at night. My physical health failing now. I cannot be there much longer I know, I will just end up also letting go, I have already lost everything to this control of darkness, much more than anyone can know. I love you with all my heart, which is broken each day, each week, each month, each year. You, you and you cannot understand, you have never been there your cold callous advice does not mean a thing. I try, try and try each and every day to break this cycle you have to follow, a prison life-sentence so near. I cannot help you, nothing will make you see the rat poison you drink will kill you clear. “I just wanted peace, a moment of fun, a minute to let go.” “Why can’t you let me be who I am?” Yet it is not me who makes you tow the line, the argument is false, like the others you use. Just last night you told me “I am going to a meeting,” I waited, waited, waited some more, like so many nights before. This hell you are living in is my hell too. This morning back to stage one again sickness, stomach pain, organs destroyed mercilessly, the choices you made. Too much, too much for any person to bear. I cannot help you. I cannot take you in my arms and tell you it will be ok, it doesn’t work, I cannot be there every minute for you, answer your calls one to ten within five minutes, because once again you are paranoid and drunk. Yet again the cycle once more. Like a butterfly in a cage I am trapped because I love you. Is it rat poison you are drinking now? What can it be. When do we get to live again a normal life. Everyone reads about mental health, addiction, lack of control their minds de-humanised with sickness of men. No-one really can see the truth, what damage we do to ourselves and others through fashion, tradition, lack of sense. Who created these demons we see every day to ruin lives with their temptations so dear. Who first decided lets control minds, lives of men beguiling them with fantasies that bring nothing but destruction in them, just as the sirens of Greece who long ago lead sailors to their death, we do the same on such cold hard stone. So where do I go, from this point right now, what can I do to ease the path for others if not you, yourself so all can find a path through this nightmare of created hell. Let me tell you what I am doing while strength still stands, I will not lay down in the waste of man. I would never forgive myself if I do not see through the ideas of solutions to these problems I have. As a start I will fight with all that I have to create a social hub that will change the control. No alcohol, no drugs will be served there, Just music, art, pool, normal stuff. To aid the vulnerable, those pressured by addiction and abuse, their carers, their families to have a normal social life without fear of loss of control, a safe space a resting place a place for good cheer. This venue will be run not by me, myself but by and on behalf of the community I am trying to help. Thereafter, I will try to reach, before harm is done, those who run the same risk of living in hell, explain everything I can. At last, hopefully, before my time is up, I will write of this time, its problems, and changes that have occurred. To help, if possible, the future not make the mistakes of the past. So whatever you throw at me you demon of man, I will never lay down, give-up, give-in to your destruction of man. I will shine like a beacon in the darkness of this time and will not stop fighting till my time is gone.